Things I would tell my teen self

  • It’s okay to be different
  • You don’t know enough about makeup to wear it
  • Don’t compare yourself to your peers
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a boyfriend
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a glowing tan
  • Don’t call them “the popular girls”
  • Underage smoking and drinking is not cool
  • Ask your mum when you should start wearing a bra
  • Don’t be embarrassed to talk about personal things with your mum. She’s your MUM
  • Check for food in your braces
  • Don’t bother getting in bitch fights
  • Remove yourself from a situation if you feel uncomfortable
  • Learn to be resilient
  • Eat healthy. It will do you good

And most importantly:

  • Most acne creams won’t work

How to be a Kardashian

So, we all know that our number 1 goal in life is to be exactly like a Kardashian. If your name starts with a K, then you’re half way there. Since the Kardashian’s are Post-2010 version of the Hilton sisters, +1, and are pretty much taking over our Foxtel/Cable channels, we may as well hop on that bandwagon just like everybody else. Let’s go with Kim today. What is one thing that Kim Kardashian is famous for? Her long black hair. If you don’t have long black hair then you should dye it. Now that you’ve done that, there really is no turning back. If your hair is short you can get extensions. Personally, I believe that hair extensions are ludicrously expensive, if you agree, you can just rip one of your sister’s fake ass weaves out of their head.

Let’s move on to makeup. The Kardashian’s have a strict rule of working with black and really, really dark gray. Just pack that shit on your eyelids until you feel that they are beginning to weigh as much as your purse. But be careful, stop when you feel as though you are starting to look like a whore. Also, contour your cheekbones and nose as much as you can so you look like you have a pyramid sticking out of your face. Perfect.

Now the makeup is down pat, literally, it is time to sit back and relax your face. Do this as much as possible, you want to go for the ass numbingly dull look. If you are talking to someone, look them straight in the eye, into their soul and blink very slowly. If you have to contribute to the conversation, just think of the line “oh baby, baby” that Britney Spears croaks out in her song “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and add that sort of low, vocal croak occasionally into your sentence. If you want to sound slightly intelligent, use words with more than 2 syllables like “dilettante”, “euphemism” or “narcissist”. If someone asks you what they mean, don’t panic, they already think you’re an idiot so do something that will dart their attention, like talking about your purse.

If your mama didn’t bless you with a big, sexy booty, don’t worry. You can roll up some towels and stuff them down your tight pants that accentuate your “butt” as much as they possibly can.

Remember, to be Kim, you really have to go that extra mile. Make yourself believe that everyone wants to be you and everyone wants to date you and that your show gets more viewers than Game of Thrones.

Dumb Teenage Girl Trends

Instagramming Every Meal

insta

“I totes got a strawberry smoothie in a glass jar. Better Gram that shit!” Then it is followed by a series of comments from fellow teen girls saying how jealous they are and how amazing the food/drink looks. The next photo I am going to take will be a half eaten bowl of soggy Weetbix #nofilter

IDIOT RANKING: Get over it

Crop Tops

olsen

To me, this just screams “LOOK AT ME. My stomach is toned and tanned and I am better than every other girl I walk past and I don’t know how stupid I look”

IDIOT RANKING: Slut but not really

Pocket Shorts

confused

You know, the short denim ripped shorts that have the insides of the pockets hanging out the bottom? It’d bad enough that we can almost see your ass and hoo-haa, now we get to see that daggy symbol of “I actually WANT you to see my ass and hoo-haa”

IDIOT RANKING: Ludicrous

Selfies

outta ma face

Selfies are self-taken photographs where you can usually see the person’s arm holding the camera. The photo is either accompanied with weird pursy lips or eyes looking in a direction other than the camera lens followed up by social media posting.

IDIOT RANKING: Plea for complementary attention because you have low self esteem

TURN UP

turnup

A dumb fucking word that mature people like to refer to as “having fun”. It can be used as a verb, noun and/or adjective.

IDIOT RANKING: Really?

 

 

LOVE & SEX

Hello everyone, just wanted to let you know, the following post is based on my opinions, not what I believe is the definite truth. It’s quite possible that most of the world disagree with me. Hate on me or not, I don’t mind!

Ever heard of the song The One by Elton John? Well, now you do. This is part of the lyrics “sex and love no longer gel”. Quite true Sir Elton, quite true. These days sex is just sex, hell you can even buy it. And love, well some people believe it just doesn’t exist. I am quite a skeptic, what is love? (Baby don’t hurt me) what’s the different between love and really, really like? According to some people, if you love someone so deeply then you would die for them. Can’t you just die for someone you really really like? IMO, love is just a word that fits in a relationship when you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with your other half. When have you heard anyone say, “yep at 2:37pm today I think I fell in love” is it something that you can feel? Do you feel a sharp stabbing pain in your heart? “Oof! There it is, love, I just felt it and it actually kinda hurt”

Do you have to love someone to have sex with them? I don’t think so. To me sex is just a passionate act. You shouldn’t go home and cry your eyes out because you just did it with some random person who you don’t love. If you were safe, and they were a decent human, then you shouldn’t worry too much. Unless it was your first time, you’re allowed to regret that a bit. I myself am not a sex addicted nymphomanic. To be quite honest, I think the lead up to sex is much more enjoyable than the actual act. Teasing, neck kissing, bottom lip biting, massaging, sexual frustration, handcuffs (if you’re weird like that) and god know what else, is a lot more fun and exciting than just in and out in and out all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex, but always wish the foreplay could carry on a little longer.

Disclaimer: I have never had a one night stand

What do you think?

bollocks

Oh…ok

Things to do in Sydney

ummmmI’m just joking!!

In my opinion, there are things to do in Sydney, however they are not the most exciting. If I were a tourist I don’t think I would come out of it and say “that was absolutely breathtaking”. It would be more of a “yeah, was good” kind of reaction. But that’s just me. If I were a celebrity I would be forced to say “Sydney was just AMAZING” otherwise I would get publicly slammed for my mediocre comment. I can just imagine the headlines already “Annie, gigantic bitch for not liking Sydney enough!”

Circular Quay

The top place to visit is CQ in Sydney, down at the Harbour (at night it is prettier). It is the bustling place of Sydney, and the most touristy so don’t forget to say hi to your fellow tourists. Ferries depart from CQ to take you to all kinds of places like Taronga Zoo & Bondi Beach. Boats also depart for Whale Watching and exciting Jet Boating!

Botanic Gardens

Beautiful gardens that are framed by Sydney Darling Harbour views. Best to go there on a beautiful sunny day (sunny days aren’t hard to find in Australia!) so you can enjoy a lovely peaceful picnic, free guided tour or a train scenic tour

The Rocks

The Rocks I would say is probably one of the ore funky places in Sydney. Lots of wonderful art galleries, dance theatres, cute cafes, police station (so be careful, but don’t worry, they won’t sentence you to death for smoking some pot) and fun shopping markets.

The Star

It used to be called Star City, but now it is changed to The Star, but people still call it Star City because we are too lazy to adapt to new changes. This is your hot spot for losing all your money…that’s about it. On the more positive side, it’s a real fayancy place and you can still have a lot of fun in there!

Newtown Shops

Newtown is a suburb in Sydney that is famous for its funky people with multicoloured hair and bright pink Doc Martens. Newtown Shops is home to offbeat designer outfits, out of date cameras, quirky vintage dresses, Persian rugs and shitloads of Thai restaurants. Go here and you’re bound to find something you adore.

stuff in syd

Journal Keeping

Keeping a journal (or “diary” if you like) has been a mahoosive part of my life for the past 7 years. I found a random book in my house with a weird fabric-like cover and just started to write random things in there. Then I decided I didn’t want anyone to see it which is when I started writing deep dark secrets. Mind you, the deepest and darkest secret I ever had is that I had a crush on a boy called Michael in year 4. I have a feeling he is a gigantic douche now so I don’t think that relationship had any chance of blossoming.

Moving on, I just liked writing down thoughts. Not every day, sometimes I didn’t write in my journals for up to 6 months – but I have never said to myself “I’m going to stop writing”. They are a great outlet. Sometimes I will write quick, short passages that might last 3 or 4  lines. Other times when I really need to vent I won’t even stick to the lines. Let’s just say, in my journals, I have CRAP all over the place. And lots of swear words. Whether it’s a good or bad entry, there is always swearing.

role model

My advice to you in writing a journal is: fuck it, write whatever the fuck you want, however the fuck you want and wherever the fuck in the journal you want.

Your handwriting doesn’t have to be the same. One day it might be beautiful cursive and the next day it could look like a 3 year old writing on walls. Who cares? You’re not impressing anyone else are you?

This is a bunch of journals I have kept over the years. As you can see they are all COMPLETELY different. I never really stick to a certain size or shape. I glue and stick things on them, I’ve attached so much shit to them that one or two are even starting to fall apart.

journal

 

 Voila!

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Break-Up Tips

So I have just recently come out of a one year and a half relationship. According to him, I “dumped” him, but I prefer to say I “initiated a mutual break-up”. We had no future together, completely different prospects. I was pretty devo trust me, our relationship was just falling into this boring routine and I couldn’t stand it. So I felt this post was appropriate.

Sorry if I’m coming across as a little harsh sometimes.

Okay, okay, at first it’s fine to do the following:

  • Listen to sad music and lots of Taylor Swift
  • Eat lots of chocolate
  • Watch The Notebook and Bridget Jones’s Diary
  • Stalk him on Facebook
  • Stalk the girls he talks on Facebook
  • Bitch about how much you love him
  • Then bitch about how much you hate him
  • And then bitch about how much you miss him

You can do these things for I would say the first week, MAXIMUM. But then

stop

The first thing you need to do is learn to accept what has happened, happened. Acceptance will help you move on. You’re still allowed to miss him, but it’s time to start focusing more on yourself and not him and/or the relationship you both had.

DO:

  • HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
  • Listen to upbeat music (I would recommend You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oats)
  • By a shitload of makeup
  • Exercise but don’t waste your money on the gym. Go jogging in the fresh air!
  • Go out dancing, but remain classy
  • Flirt a little, appropriately.

DON’T:

  • Text him frequently
  • Keep looking through photos you had together
  • Have revenge sex/hook ups
  • Post anything about your break-up on social media. Everything will think you’re a pain in the ass.

Just don’t give up hope on the future, love will come your way.

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Morning Mind F#$kery

Warning: my blog may include material that is offensive to some viewers, such as swear words and opinions on things that no one is bound to agree with. 

It is my first post and don’t really know what to write about except the consistent 7:30am alarm wakeup mindfuck. Sure, it’s fine that my alarm goes off at 7:30am, how else am I supposed to get out of bed for work? I can’t. What irritates me is my subconscious waking me up at 7:29am anticipating my alarm. And what really chaps my ass is the fact that waiting for the whole minute until 7:30am seems like an eternity. So I may as well just close my eyes for a moment and just wait for Latch by Disclosure start playing. Then you open your eyes after that moment and it’s already 8:15am. Shit. No time for breakfast and no time to put my makeup on (properly). Image

This occurs most frequently on a Monday morning, of course, the day of the week when continuing with one’s life seems impossible. I live in Sydney, Australia, and here…the public transport is terrible. Trains and buses come every 15 minutes and are usually running 7-10 minutes late. Maybe if the transport system was a little better I wouldn’t have to worry about the time I get out of bed so much.

If your life depends on public transport, I don’t think Sydney is the place for you. It’s only bearable to the people who have grown immune to it, like me. 14 years and I’m just about numb to the pain.

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