Holy Shit

Holy shit you guys. I believe, there is an office scandal happening at my job. I think there is a love affair going on between two fellow employees who shall remain totally nameless until they are SPRUNG! Just kidding, they shall remain nameless, mainly for the fact that I do not want to get in trouble either.

The day before yesterday, a 30-something year old male colleague of mine received a small bunch of flowers with a short little note that contained the word “sexy” and was signed by “secret admirer”. He kept it no secret, he actually called his wife and it turns out she didn’t order them for him. What my fellow partners in crime found out was that they were ordered from a flower shop just up the road from the office. There also happens to be a pretty little thing in the office that wanders around the joint like god himself placed her down on this checkerboard he calls earth. She also isn’t happy unless she is bossing someone around, did I also add the sound of her laugh you can hear from a mile away, it actually once got mistaken for a stampede. And she has a voice that could cut through glass. It is also clear that this pretty little thing has a crush on the 30-something year old male colleague of mine. We all know suspect that she was the one who sent the flowers to him. She was trying to play it off throughout the afternoon. I had to contain myself by wearing a Mexican sombrero over my face for the rest of the day.

Ima keep you all updated on this matter as much as I’m going to keep myself updated. I’ll be watching very closely.

I will.

Spy-Girl-Is-Watching-Your-Every-Move-Gif

My daily routine.

Step 1: Wake up to the alarm set on my iPhone for 7:30am. Most recent alarms songs are:

Sleepless – Flume

Passenger – Deftones

It’s a War – Dukes of Windsor

Latch ­- Disclosure

Hermitude – Hyper Paradise

alarm

Step 2: Whine

step2

Step 3: Crawl out of bed and turn on the heater as I am freezing no matter how much I am wearing or how warm it is outside. I am freezing. Turn that heater ON.

step3

Step 4: Sit in front of the heater contemplating what to wear.

step4

Step 5: Decide I have NOTHING to wear.

step5

Step 6: Put on some clothes I have found to wear

step6

Step 7: Walk downstairs and eat my daily dose of Weetbix. Breakfast – most important meal of the day

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Step 8: Go back upstairs and get all my shit ready

step9

Step 9: LEAVE THE HOUSE

step8

 

 

 

 

My Dream

If someone was asked “what kind of house do you want to live in?” then it would make perfect sense for someone to say “a mansion” or “a big house”. I mean, what joy isn’t there in that? You see celebrity houses and you think dear god I would love to live in a place like that! Pools, maids, red velvet staircases, 5 car spots etc what isn’t to love about that? But for some unknown reason, I have found myself to be quite different…I’m not sure why, but my dream home is a small, one or two room studio/apartment that’s relatively small. Just a place that I can feel cosy and comfortable with. I don’t care if my bed is next to my kitchen bed. I don’t care if I have a washing machine across the room from my TV. Maybe the fact that I can decorate it and make it look fabulous excites me…who knows. These pictures I have found on Tumblr have inspired me big time and make me want a studio even more.

studio1 MC513

studio3 studio4

 Is there anyone else out there like me?

Annoying Facebook

I’m sorry, but in my opinion Facebook has just become a playground for the socially oblivious.

NO, I would not like to play Farmville. That’s why I haven’t accepted your last 50 invites you fucking genius.

Hey, I think the last time I spoke to you was 8 years ago at school (and that was by accident), but sure, I would LOVE to come to your party Melanie Dipshit.

X Status: Can’t believe I’m feeling like this 😦

Y Comment: Like what babe?

X Comment: Don’t worry 😦

ME: WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

To me this just screams “I am actually fine, just an attention seeking whore.”

Facebook is just one big hot mess. Sometimes I feel as though am bipolar just reading through the statuses. One says “I got into med school!” another says  “I hate my life” and another is just a quote from Einstein, Buddha or my favourite, Marilyn Monroe (everyone likes curves ooo!). I have found that over the past god knows how many years I have WASTED on Facebook I have come to realise that I have never read a status update that has been helpful or done something positive for me. The insensitive posts are the ones that make my eyes bleed. Someone is going on a trip, someone has just received a college acceptance letter, someone has just got a promotion, someone just wants to make it clear that their life is better than the living scum around them. We must be jealous and envious of them and we WISH we had their life and we WISH we were just THEM! When actually, your hair is the colour of shit. Fuck you.

But now creeps in the undercover brag…”Just got whistled at twice and saw someone checking out my ass. God I hate men” AKA “Here’s proof that I’m super sexy”. Okay Jenny Wenny, you just sail by in your ship of Super Sexy and we’ll just float here in our sea of Fuck Ugly.

And these people don’t just want to reach out to their close friends, they want to expand their audience to the people they met 4 years ago and haven’t spoken to since, that their life is brill brill.

I don’t care if you graduated, I don’t care if you’re going to NYC on the 28th, I don’t care if your boyfriend treats you like a princess, I don’t care if you’re the editor of Playboy Magazine. Oh, and an ultrasound photo of your unborn child is not what your face looks like. Please don’t set it as your profile picture.

bleeding eyes

Before you all tell me to stfu and just defriend all these annoying people, relax, I deleted my FB many, many months ago due to these reasons.

Is it fair to say that I hate Facebook?

Future events of MILEY CYRUS

#no disrespect. I don’t mind Miley’s music and she is a human being so I respect her like every other human. Since she is the child star that has turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly (or maybe the other way around) more than any other child star I thought she should be the topic of this post. I’m just having some fun.

November 2014:  Buys a white combie van and hires a driver name Shorty while wearing a wig with fake pig tails while shouting “handlebars, who wants a ride?!” But tones it down when she passes children and says “free candy” instead.

June 2015: Gains 36 KG and blames it on her ex fiancé Liam Hemsworth for repeatedly cooking her plates of Carbonara in attempts to win back her love, or so she says.

January 2016: Applies to a performing arts course in China but is rejected due to smuggling drugs in her undies. To avoid jail she claims she is transgender and has a penis.

February 2016: Jailed for several months for smuggling drugs in her undies.

June 2017: Releases a track called “Diet Coke” featuring Paris Hilton. She claims it has helped her on her road to weight loss. The track reached #272 in New Zealand.

November 2017: Gets a tattoo of a chocolate cupcake on her arm. Reason unknown. The tattoo ends up looking like a cup of dog poo.

August 2018: Gets really drunk at a house party and shaves off her hair while yelling “Britney spears eat your heart out” She is later seen crying in a wig shop with her father who now looks like Elvis Presley a few days before he died.

March 2019: She is spotted by a passing helicopter trying to climb the fence to reach the Hollywood sign but is caught by police. She is then fined $2000 for resisting arrest.

December 2019: Causes her father a mental break down.

March 2020: Suddenly announces she is engaged in a Youtube video but will not say to who.

April 2020: Admits she is not engaged and deletes the video which she was hoping would go viral after realising it only got 9736 views accompanied by 7968 thumbs down and numerous death threats in the comments.

December 2021: Releases an album called So Many Bitches, apparently it was dedicated to her younger sister for stealing a necklace from Tiffany’s because she didn’t want to spend any money on “that drunken toothy whore”

July 2022: Invents her own cocktail called The Miley. She describes the recipe as “a bit of vodka, a little bit of shaved cheese and ginger, and then a different kind of vodka” to critics and fans it is also known as a “disgusting piece of shit”

December 2022: Slaps Ellen Degeneres on her talk show and blames it on “exhaustion”

August 2023: Hires a personal assistant called Busy and fires her 72 days later in memory of Kim Kardashian.

September 2024: Buys a Mercedes and steals all the coins from the parking metre she crashed into and drove away. Later in court she claims she was distracted by a woman walking down the street wearing a bra and no top.

January 2025: Violently Assaulted a valet parking attendant for almost crashing her car. She hadn’t even given him the keys yet.

January 2025: Attempts to return to Disney as Hannah Montanna but is told she no longer has any desirable qualities and has tainted Disney for good.

 

 

REMEMBER, THIS IS JUST A JOKE. Don’t hate on me. I don’t hate Miley

Things I would tell my teen self

  • It’s okay to be different
  • You don’t know enough about makeup to wear it
  • Don’t compare yourself to your peers
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a boyfriend
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a glowing tan
  • Don’t call them “the popular girls”
  • Underage smoking and drinking is not cool
  • Ask your mum when you should start wearing a bra
  • Don’t be embarrassed to talk about personal things with your mum. She’s your MUM
  • Check for food in your braces
  • Don’t bother getting in bitch fights
  • Remove yourself from a situation if you feel uncomfortable
  • Learn to be resilient
  • Eat healthy. It will do you good

And most importantly:

  • Most acne creams won’t work

How to be a Kardashian

So, we all know that our number 1 goal in life is to be exactly like a Kardashian. If your name starts with a K, then you’re half way there. Since the Kardashian’s are Post-2010 version of the Hilton sisters, +1, and are pretty much taking over our Foxtel/Cable channels, we may as well hop on that bandwagon just like everybody else. Let’s go with Kim today. What is one thing that Kim Kardashian is famous for? Her long black hair. If you don’t have long black hair then you should dye it. Now that you’ve done that, there really is no turning back. If your hair is short you can get extensions. Personally, I believe that hair extensions are ludicrously expensive, if you agree, you can just rip one of your sister’s fake ass weaves out of their head.

Let’s move on to makeup. The Kardashian’s have a strict rule of working with black and really, really dark gray. Just pack that shit on your eyelids until you feel that they are beginning to weigh as much as your purse. But be careful, stop when you feel as though you are starting to look like a whore. Also, contour your cheekbones and nose as much as you can so you look like you have a pyramid sticking out of your face. Perfect.

Now the makeup is down pat, literally, it is time to sit back and relax your face. Do this as much as possible, you want to go for the ass numbingly dull look. If you are talking to someone, look them straight in the eye, into their soul and blink very slowly. If you have to contribute to the conversation, just think of the line “oh baby, baby” that Britney Spears croaks out in her song “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and add that sort of low, vocal croak occasionally into your sentence. If you want to sound slightly intelligent, use words with more than 2 syllables like “dilettante”, “euphemism” or “narcissist”. If someone asks you what they mean, don’t panic, they already think you’re an idiot so do something that will dart their attention, like talking about your purse.

If your mama didn’t bless you with a big, sexy booty, don’t worry. You can roll up some towels and stuff them down your tight pants that accentuate your “butt” as much as they possibly can.

Remember, to be Kim, you really have to go that extra mile. Make yourself believe that everyone wants to be you and everyone wants to date you and that your show gets more viewers than Game of Thrones.

Dumb Teenage Girl Trends

Instagramming Every Meal

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“I totes got a strawberry smoothie in a glass jar. Better Gram that shit!” Then it is followed by a series of comments from fellow teen girls saying how jealous they are and how amazing the food/drink looks. The next photo I am going to take will be a half eaten bowl of soggy Weetbix #nofilter

IDIOT RANKING: Get over it

Crop Tops

olsen

To me, this just screams “LOOK AT ME. My stomach is toned and tanned and I am better than every other girl I walk past and I don’t know how stupid I look”

IDIOT RANKING: Slut but not really

Pocket Shorts

confused

You know, the short denim ripped shorts that have the insides of the pockets hanging out the bottom? It’d bad enough that we can almost see your ass and hoo-haa, now we get to see that daggy symbol of “I actually WANT you to see my ass and hoo-haa”

IDIOT RANKING: Ludicrous

Selfies

outta ma face

Selfies are self-taken photographs where you can usually see the person’s arm holding the camera. The photo is either accompanied with weird pursy lips or eyes looking in a direction other than the camera lens followed up by social media posting.

IDIOT RANKING: Plea for complementary attention because you have low self esteem

TURN UP

turnup

A dumb fucking word that mature people like to refer to as “having fun”. It can be used as a verb, noun and/or adjective.

IDIOT RANKING: Really?