My ASOS Makeup & Beauty Wishlist

assos wishlist makeup

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Future events of MILEY CYRUS

#no disrespect. I don’t mind Miley’s music and she is a human being so I respect her like every other human. Since she is the child star that has turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly (or maybe the other way around) more than any other child star I thought she should be the topic of this post. I’m just having some fun.

November 2014:  Buys a white combie van and hires a driver name Shorty while wearing a wig with fake pig tails while shouting “handlebars, who wants a ride?!” But tones it down when she passes children and says “free candy” instead.

June 2015: Gains 36 KG and blames it on her ex fiancé Liam Hemsworth for repeatedly cooking her plates of Carbonara in attempts to win back her love, or so she says.

January 2016: Applies to a performing arts course in China but is rejected due to smuggling drugs in her undies. To avoid jail she claims she is transgender and has a penis.

February 2016: Jailed for several months for smuggling drugs in her undies.

June 2017: Releases a track called “Diet Coke” featuring Paris Hilton. She claims it has helped her on her road to weight loss. The track reached #272 in New Zealand.

November 2017: Gets a tattoo of a chocolate cupcake on her arm. Reason unknown. The tattoo ends up looking like a cup of dog poo.

August 2018: Gets really drunk at a house party and shaves off her hair while yelling “Britney spears eat your heart out” She is later seen crying in a wig shop with her father who now looks like Elvis Presley a few days before he died.

March 2019: She is spotted by a passing helicopter trying to climb the fence to reach the Hollywood sign but is caught by police. She is then fined $2000 for resisting arrest.

December 2019: Causes her father a mental break down.

March 2020: Suddenly announces she is engaged in a Youtube video but will not say to who.

April 2020: Admits she is not engaged and deletes the video which she was hoping would go viral after realising it only got 9736 views accompanied by 7968 thumbs down and numerous death threats in the comments.

December 2021: Releases an album called So Many Bitches, apparently it was dedicated to her younger sister for stealing a necklace from Tiffany’s because she didn’t want to spend any money on “that drunken toothy whore”

July 2022: Invents her own cocktail called The Miley. She describes the recipe as “a bit of vodka, a little bit of shaved cheese and ginger, and then a different kind of vodka” to critics and fans it is also known as a “disgusting piece of shit”

December 2022: Slaps Ellen Degeneres on her talk show and blames it on “exhaustion”

August 2023: Hires a personal assistant called Busy and fires her 72 days later in memory of Kim Kardashian.

September 2024: Buys a Mercedes and steals all the coins from the parking metre she crashed into and drove away. Later in court she claims she was distracted by a woman walking down the street wearing a bra and no top.

January 2025: Violently Assaulted a valet parking attendant for almost crashing her car. She hadn’t even given him the keys yet.

January 2025: Attempts to return to Disney as Hannah Montanna but is told she no longer has any desirable qualities and has tainted Disney for good.

 

 

REMEMBER, THIS IS JUST A JOKE. Don’t hate on me. I don’t hate Miley

Things I would tell my teen self

  • It’s okay to be different
  • You don’t know enough about makeup to wear it
  • Don’t compare yourself to your peers
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a boyfriend
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a glowing tan
  • Don’t call them “the popular girls”
  • Underage smoking and drinking is not cool
  • Ask your mum when you should start wearing a bra
  • Don’t be embarrassed to talk about personal things with your mum. She’s your MUM
  • Check for food in your braces
  • Don’t bother getting in bitch fights
  • Remove yourself from a situation if you feel uncomfortable
  • Learn to be resilient
  • Eat healthy. It will do you good

And most importantly:

  • Most acne creams won’t work

How to be a Kardashian

So, we all know that our number 1 goal in life is to be exactly like a Kardashian. If your name starts with a K, then you’re half way there. Since the Kardashian’s are Post-2010 version of the Hilton sisters, +1, and are pretty much taking over our Foxtel/Cable channels, we may as well hop on that bandwagon just like everybody else. Let’s go with Kim today. What is one thing that Kim Kardashian is famous for? Her long black hair. If you don’t have long black hair then you should dye it. Now that you’ve done that, there really is no turning back. If your hair is short you can get extensions. Personally, I believe that hair extensions are ludicrously expensive, if you agree, you can just rip one of your sister’s fake ass weaves out of their head.

Let’s move on to makeup. The Kardashian’s have a strict rule of working with black and really, really dark gray. Just pack that shit on your eyelids until you feel that they are beginning to weigh as much as your purse. But be careful, stop when you feel as though you are starting to look like a whore. Also, contour your cheekbones and nose as much as you can so you look like you have a pyramid sticking out of your face. Perfect.

Now the makeup is down pat, literally, it is time to sit back and relax your face. Do this as much as possible, you want to go for the ass numbingly dull look. If you are talking to someone, look them straight in the eye, into their soul and blink very slowly. If you have to contribute to the conversation, just think of the line “oh baby, baby” that Britney Spears croaks out in her song “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and add that sort of low, vocal croak occasionally into your sentence. If you want to sound slightly intelligent, use words with more than 2 syllables like “dilettante”, “euphemism” or “narcissist”. If someone asks you what they mean, don’t panic, they already think you’re an idiot so do something that will dart their attention, like talking about your purse.

If your mama didn’t bless you with a big, sexy booty, don’t worry. You can roll up some towels and stuff them down your tight pants that accentuate your “butt” as much as they possibly can.

Remember, to be Kim, you really have to go that extra mile. Make yourself believe that everyone wants to be you and everyone wants to date you and that your show gets more viewers than Game of Thrones.

Dumb Teenage Girl Trends

Instagramming Every Meal

insta

“I totes got a strawberry smoothie in a glass jar. Better Gram that shit!” Then it is followed by a series of comments from fellow teen girls saying how jealous they are and how amazing the food/drink looks. The next photo I am going to take will be a half eaten bowl of soggy Weetbix #nofilter

IDIOT RANKING: Get over it

Crop Tops

olsen

To me, this just screams “LOOK AT ME. My stomach is toned and tanned and I am better than every other girl I walk past and I don’t know how stupid I look”

IDIOT RANKING: Slut but not really

Pocket Shorts

confused

You know, the short denim ripped shorts that have the insides of the pockets hanging out the bottom? It’d bad enough that we can almost see your ass and hoo-haa, now we get to see that daggy symbol of “I actually WANT you to see my ass and hoo-haa”

IDIOT RANKING: Ludicrous

Selfies

outta ma face

Selfies are self-taken photographs where you can usually see the person’s arm holding the camera. The photo is either accompanied with weird pursy lips or eyes looking in a direction other than the camera lens followed up by social media posting.

IDIOT RANKING: Plea for complementary attention because you have low self esteem

TURN UP

turnup

A dumb fucking word that mature people like to refer to as “having fun”. It can be used as a verb, noun and/or adjective.

IDIOT RANKING: Really?

 

 

LOVE & SEX

Hello everyone, just wanted to let you know, the following post is based on my opinions, not what I believe is the definite truth. It’s quite possible that most of the world disagree with me. Hate on me or not, I don’t mind!

Ever heard of the song The One by Elton John? Well, now you do. This is part of the lyrics “sex and love no longer gel”. Quite true Sir Elton, quite true. These days sex is just sex, hell you can even buy it. And love, well some people believe it just doesn’t exist. I am quite a skeptic, what is love? (Baby don’t hurt me) what’s the different between love and really, really like? According to some people, if you love someone so deeply then you would die for them. Can’t you just die for someone you really really like? IMO, love is just a word that fits in a relationship when you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with your other half. When have you heard anyone say, “yep at 2:37pm today I think I fell in love” is it something that you can feel? Do you feel a sharp stabbing pain in your heart? “Oof! There it is, love, I just felt it and it actually kinda hurt”

Do you have to love someone to have sex with them? I don’t think so. To me sex is just a passionate act. You shouldn’t go home and cry your eyes out because you just did it with some random person who you don’t love. If you were safe, and they were a decent human, then you shouldn’t worry too much. Unless it was your first time, you’re allowed to regret that a bit. I myself am not a sex addicted nymphomanic. To be quite honest, I think the lead up to sex is much more enjoyable than the actual act. Teasing, neck kissing, bottom lip biting, massaging, sexual frustration, handcuffs (if you’re weird like that) and god know what else, is a lot more fun and exciting than just in and out in and out all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex, but always wish the foreplay could carry on a little longer.

Disclaimer: I have never had a one night stand

What do you think?

bollocks

Oh…ok