How to be a Kardashian

So, we all know that our number 1 goal in life is to be exactly like a Kardashian. If your name starts with a K, then you’re half way there. Since the Kardashian’s are Post-2010 version of the Hilton sisters, +1, and are pretty much taking over our Foxtel/Cable channels, we may as well hop on that bandwagon just like everybody else. Let’s go with Kim today. What is one thing that Kim Kardashian is famous for? Her long black hair. If you don’t have long black hair then you should dye it. Now that you’ve done that, there really is no turning back. If your hair is short you can get extensions. Personally, I believe that hair extensions are ludicrously expensive, if you agree, you can just rip one of your sister’s fake ass weaves out of their head.

Let’s move on to makeup. The Kardashian’s have a strict rule of working with black and really, really dark gray. Just pack that shit on your eyelids until you feel that they are beginning to weigh as much as your purse. But be careful, stop when you feel as though you are starting to look like a whore. Also, contour your cheekbones and nose as much as you can so you look like you have a pyramid sticking out of your face. Perfect.

Now the makeup is down pat, literally, it is time to sit back and relax your face. Do this as much as possible, you want to go for the ass numbingly dull look. If you are talking to someone, look them straight in the eye, into their soul and blink very slowly. If you have to contribute to the conversation, just think of the line “oh baby, baby” that Britney Spears croaks out in her song “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and add that sort of low, vocal croak occasionally into your sentence. If you want to sound slightly intelligent, use words with more than 2 syllables like “dilettante”, “euphemism” or “narcissist”. If someone asks you what they mean, don’t panic, they already think you’re an idiot so do something that will dart their attention, like talking about your purse.

If your mama didn’t bless you with a big, sexy booty, don’t worry. You can roll up some towels and stuff them down your tight pants that accentuate your “butt” as much as they possibly can.

Remember, to be Kim, you really have to go that extra mile. Make yourself believe that everyone wants to be you and everyone wants to date you and that your show gets more viewers than Game of Thrones.

Journal Keeping

Keeping a journal (or “diary” if you like) has been a mahoosive part of my life for the past 7 years. I found a random book in my house with a weird fabric-like cover and just started to write random things in there. Then I decided I didn’t want anyone to see it which is when I started writing deep dark secrets. Mind you, the deepest and darkest secret I ever had is that I had a crush on a boy called Michael in year 4. I have a feeling he is a gigantic douche now so I don’t think that relationship had any chance of blossoming.

Moving on, I just liked writing down thoughts. Not every day, sometimes I didn’t write in my journals for up to 6 months – but I have never said to myself “I’m going to stop writing”. They are a great outlet. Sometimes I will write quick, short passages that might last 3 or 4  lines. Other times when I really need to vent I won’t even stick to the lines. Let’s just say, in my journals, I have CRAP all over the place. And lots of swear words. Whether it’s a good or bad entry, there is always swearing.

role model

My advice to you in writing a journal is: fuck it, write whatever the fuck you want, however the fuck you want and wherever the fuck in the journal you want.

Your handwriting doesn’t have to be the same. One day it might be beautiful cursive and the next day it could look like a 3 year old writing on walls. Who cares? You’re not impressing anyone else are you?

This is a bunch of journals I have kept over the years. As you can see they are all COMPLETELY different. I never really stick to a certain size or shape. I glue and stick things on them, I’ve attached so much shit to them that one or two are even starting to fall apart.