Holy Shit

Holy shit you guys. I believe, there is an office scandal happening at my job. I think there is a love affair going on between two fellow employees who shall remain totally nameless until they are SPRUNG! Just kidding, they shall remain nameless, mainly for the fact that I do not want to get in trouble either.

The day before yesterday, a 30-something year old male colleague of mine received a small bunch of flowers with a short little note that contained the word “sexy” and was signed by “secret admirer”. He kept it no secret, he actually called his wife and it turns out she didn’t order them for him. What my fellow partners in crime found out was that they were ordered from a flower shop just up the road from the office. There also happens to be a pretty little thing in the office that wanders around the joint like god himself placed her down on this checkerboard he calls earth. She also isn’t happy unless she is bossing someone around, did I also add the sound of her laugh you can hear from a mile away, it actually once got mistaken for a stampede. And she has a voice that could cut through glass. It is also clear that this pretty little thing has a crush on the 30-something year old male colleague of mine. We all know suspect that she was the one who sent the flowers to him. She was trying to play it off throughout the afternoon. I had to contain myself by wearing a Mexican sombrero over my face for the rest of the day.

Ima keep you all updated on this matter as much as I’m going to keep myself updated. I’ll be watching very closely.

I will.

Spy-Girl-Is-Watching-Your-Every-Move-Gif

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Annoying Facebook

I’m sorry, but in my opinion Facebook has just become a playground for the socially oblivious.

NO, I would not like to play Farmville. That’s why I haven’t accepted your last 50 invites you fucking genius.

Hey, I think the last time I spoke to you was 8 years ago at school (and that was by accident), but sure, I would LOVE to come to your party Melanie Dipshit.

X Status: Can’t believe I’m feeling like this 😦

Y Comment: Like what babe?

X Comment: Don’t worry 😦

ME: WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

To me this just screams “I am actually fine, just an attention seeking whore.”

Facebook is just one big hot mess. Sometimes I feel as though am bipolar just reading through the statuses. One says “I got into med school!” another says  “I hate my life” and another is just a quote from Einstein, Buddha or my favourite, Marilyn Monroe (everyone likes curves ooo!). I have found that over the past god knows how many years I have WASTED on Facebook I have come to realise that I have never read a status update that has been helpful or done something positive for me. The insensitive posts are the ones that make my eyes bleed. Someone is going on a trip, someone has just received a college acceptance letter, someone has just got a promotion, someone just wants to make it clear that their life is better than the living scum around them. We must be jealous and envious of them and we WISH we had their life and we WISH we were just THEM! When actually, your hair is the colour of shit. Fuck you.

But now creeps in the undercover brag…”Just got whistled at twice and saw someone checking out my ass. God I hate men” AKA “Here’s proof that I’m super sexy”. Okay Jenny Wenny, you just sail by in your ship of Super Sexy and we’ll just float here in our sea of Fuck Ugly.

And these people don’t just want to reach out to their close friends, they want to expand their audience to the people they met 4 years ago and haven’t spoken to since, that their life is brill brill.

I don’t care if you graduated, I don’t care if you’re going to NYC on the 28th, I don’t care if your boyfriend treats you like a princess, I don’t care if you’re the editor of Playboy Magazine. Oh, and an ultrasound photo of your unborn child is not what your face looks like. Please don’t set it as your profile picture.

bleeding eyes

Before you all tell me to stfu and just defriend all these annoying people, relax, I deleted my FB many, many months ago due to these reasons.

Is it fair to say that I hate Facebook?

Break-Up Tips

So I have just recently come out of a one year and a half relationship. According to him, I “dumped” him, but I prefer to say I “initiated a mutual break-up”. We had no future together, completely different prospects. I was pretty devo trust me, our relationship was just falling into this boring routine and I couldn’t stand it. So I felt this post was appropriate.

Sorry if I’m coming across as a little harsh sometimes.

Okay, okay, at first it’s fine to do the following:

  • Listen to sad music and lots of Taylor Swift
  • Eat lots of chocolate
  • Watch The Notebook and Bridget Jones’s Diary
  • Stalk him on Facebook
  • Stalk the girls he talks on Facebook
  • Bitch about how much you love him
  • Then bitch about how much you hate him
  • And then bitch about how much you miss him

You can do these things for I would say the first week, MAXIMUM. But then

stop

The first thing you need to do is learn to accept what has happened, happened. Acceptance will help you move on. You’re still allowed to miss him, but it’s time to start focusing more on yourself and not him and/or the relationship you both had.

DO:

  • HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
  • Listen to upbeat music (I would recommend You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oats)
  • By a shitload of makeup
  • Exercise but don’t waste your money on the gym. Go jogging in the fresh air!
  • Go out dancing, but remain classy
  • Flirt a little, appropriately.

DON’T:

  • Text him frequently
  • Keep looking through photos you had together
  • Have revenge sex/hook ups
  • Post anything about your break-up on social media. Everything will think you’re a pain in the ass.

Just don’t give up hope on the future, love will come your way.

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