Annoying Facebook

I’m sorry, but in my opinion Facebook has just become a playground for the socially oblivious.

NO, I would not like to play Farmville. That’s why I haven’t accepted your last 50 invites you fucking genius.

Hey, I think the last time I spoke to you was 8 years ago at school (and that was by accident), but sure, I would LOVE to come to your party Melanie Dipshit.

X Status: Can’t believe I’m feeling like thisĀ šŸ˜¦

Y Comment: Like what babe?

X Comment: Don’t worry šŸ˜¦

ME: WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

To me this just screams “I am actually fine, just an attention seeking whore.”

Facebook is just one big hot mess. Sometimes I feel as thoughĀ IĀ am bipolar just reading through the statuses. One says “I got into med school!” another says Ā “I hate my life” and another is just a quote from Einstein, Buddha or my favourite, Marilyn Monroe (everyone likes curves ooo!). I have found that over the past god knows how many years I have WASTED on Facebook I have come to realise that I have never read a status update that has been helpful or done something positive for me. The insensitive posts are the ones that make my eyes bleed. Someone is going on a trip, someone has just received a college acceptance letter, someone has just got a promotion, someone just wants to make it clear that their life is better than the living scum around them. We must be jealous and envious of them and we WISH we had their life and we WISH we were just THEM! When actually, your hair is the colour of shit. Fuck you.

But now creeps in the undercover brag…”Just got whistled at twice and saw someone checking out my ass. God I hate men” AKA “Here’s proof that I’m super sexy”. Okay Jenny Wenny, you just sail by in your ship of Super Sexy and we’ll just float here in our sea of Fuck Ugly.

And these people don’t just want to reach out to their close friends, they want to expand their audience toĀ the people they met 4 years ago and haven’t spoken to since, that their life is brill brill.

I don’t care if you graduated, I don’t care if you’re going to NYC on the 28th, I don’t care if your boyfriend treats you like a princess, I don’t care if you’re the editor of Playboy Magazine. Oh, and anĀ ultrasound photo of your unborn child is not what your face looks like. Please don’t set it as your profile picture.

bleeding eyes

Before you all tell me to stfu and just defriend all these annoying people, relax, I deleted my FB many, many months ago due to these reasons.

Is it fair to say that I hate Facebook?

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Things I would tell my teen self

  • It’s okay to be different
  • You don’t know enough about makeup to wear it
  • Don’t compare yourself to your peers
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a boyfriend
  • It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a glowing tan
  • Don’t call them “the popular girls”
  • Underage smoking and drinking is not cool
  • Ask your mum when you should start wearing a bra
  • Don’t be embarrassed to talk about personal things with your mum. She’s your MUM
  • Check for food in your braces
  • Don’t bother getting in bitch fights
  • Remove yourself from a situation if you feel uncomfortable
  • Learn to be resilient
  • Eat healthy. It will do you good

And most importantly:

  • Most acne creams won’t work

Dumb Teenage Girl Trends

Instagramming Every Meal

insta

“I totes got a strawberry smoothie in a glass jar. Better Gram that shit!” Then it is followed by a series of comments from fellow teen girls saying how jealous they are and how amazing the food/drink looks. The next photo I am going to take will be a half eaten bowl of soggy Weetbix #nofilter

IDIOT RANKING: Get over it

Crop Tops

olsen

To me, this just screams “LOOK AT ME. My stomach is toned and tanned and I am better than every other girl I walk past and I don’t know how stupid I look”

IDIOT RANKING: Slut but not really

Pocket Shorts

confused

You know, the short denim ripped shorts that have the insides of the pockets hanging out the bottom? It’d bad enough that we can almost see your ass and hoo-haa, now we get to see that daggy symbol of “I actually WANT you to see my ass and hoo-haa”

IDIOT RANKING: Ludicrous

Selfies

outta ma face

Selfies are self-taken photographs where you can usually see the person’s arm holding the camera. The photo is either accompanied with weird pursy lips or eyes looking in a direction other than the camera lens followed up by social media posting.

IDIOT RANKING: Plea for complementary attention because you have low self esteem

TURN UP

turnup

A dumb fucking word that mature people like to refer to as “having fun”. It can be used as a verb, noun and/or adjective.

IDIOT RANKING: Really?